Fifty Shades of Blokes
Written by Speaker, Comic and bestselling author of the What I Wish I Knew series, Marty Wilson – although he made sure it was released under the pseudonym ‘L.O.L. James’ so he can still pick up his kids from primary school – Fifty Shades of Blokes is a series for guys who don’t quite get all the fuss about the ‘other’ Fifty Shades books.
They follow the story of handyman, Dave Woode, who is doing some weekend work for young entrepreneur, Christina Grey. She is beautiful, brilliant, and desperate to try out a ‘bit of rough’ and throws out none too subtle hints to try and give Dave the hint. The unworldly, innocent Dave − like almost every man before him − has no idea what’s going on, and believes Christina simply shares his passions for sports, DIY and gardening. The series follows the young couple as they embark on a passionate, double-entendre filled exploration of balls, power tools and spreading a bit of seed around.
With every story written the way men would like it − incredibly short − the Fifty Shades of Blokes trilogy won’t ‘possess you’ or ‘obsess you’, but it is quite obviously a parody that will leave you asking:
How do men and women ever get together?
How many men are really as simple as Dave?
What does it say about our sex lives when ‘the real books’ sell a million copies a week?
Buy the print versions at bigskypublishing.com.au or get the ebooks at:
The three hilarious books in the trilogy are:
Christina is attempting to use the jargon of home DIY to speak the language of love. Dave, totally unaware of her efforts, just thinks he’s finally found someone as passionate about nailing, screwing and the importance of using the right lubricant when you’re working away on someone’s back door.
As Dave came down the ladder he caught Christina caressing her sumptuous red lips with the moist tip of her tongue as she eyed off his rather large lunch box. ‘Yes,’ he said, knowing exactly what she wanted, ‘I packed some extra chicken schnitzel sambos for you.’
Christina tries to use Dave’s love of sport to get him into bed, but of course he has no clue and is just ‘stoked’ he’s found a girl who adores talking about bouncers, behinds, and superb ball handling as much as he does.
Christina came up behind Dave and put her hands around his neck. Then she slowly began to squeeze and hissed into his ear, ‘Have you ever tried asphyxiation; cutting off the airways?’ ‘No way! That’s just bloody wrong,’ Dave’s fury surprised her. ‘Grapples … chicken wings … It’s meant to be footy, not wrestling.’
Christina is trying to turn Dave’s attention away from the garden bed and towards her bed. Dave, oblivious as usual, just thinks he’s found a woman as fascinated as he is by roots, spadework, and the need to tidy up one’s bush in time for summer.
Christina was lying on the sun bed watching the sun go down. ‘Oh Dave, what does a girl have to do to get a shag in her garden?’ ‘Move,’ he said bluntly. ‘What?’ she replied, confused. Dave explained. ‘Well, you’re a bit far from the sea for cormorants. You’d have to move closer to the beach.’
N.B. This series is intended for im-mature audiences.